Tom's a Wonderful Pilot
by tomparisgirl
Summary: Tom discovers the true meaning of life and Christmas in this humorous attempt at a parody on It's a Wonderful Life. Just in time for the holidays...


Title: It's (Tom's) a Wonderful Life (Pilot)  
  
Author: tomparisgirl  
  
Summary. Tom discovers the true meaning of life (and Christmas) in a humorous attemp at a parody on It's a Wonderful Life  
  
Author's Note: This was originally going to be a Choose You Own Adventure, but I couldn't figure out how to make it work like that. Unfortunately I had already written all of it. So I just changed the personal pronouns to agree with a first person POV, hence the weird tense. And it's supposed to be funny and stupid at parts, so don't be afraid to laugh  
  
Disclaimer: Right, Voyager isn't mine and neither is It's a Wonderful Life. but some day. *shakes fist at sky*.  
  
Tom Paris walked into Sandrine's Bar in the holodeck on Christmas Day and sat down at a table. He was to meet B'Elanna for lunch after she was done with her. well, very merry Christmas morning in engineering. He, on the other hand, had opted out of working on Christmas Day. There was always something to be said for tradition, and as far as Tom was concerned, a Paris had never worked on Christmas Day. At least that's what he had told Chakotay (with a bit of a threat of "Give me Christmas off, or I'll have your job" (Tom's father was a high ranking admiral in Starfleet)). But that was beside the point. Neelix, who was wearing a Christmas apron for some reason, had wandered over to Tom's table just about then and sat down across from him.  
  
"Merry Christmas, Tom," he said. "And what can I get you this fine morning?"  
  
"Well, Neelix, I was thinking about some bacon and eggs. Maybe a bit of coffee cake. My father used to always whip up that kind of stuff on Christmas morning, you know?"  
  
Neelix paused in consideration for a moment. "Well... I'll see what I can do. I have some fresh Leola Root stored somewhere in the Messhall..."  
  
"Leola Root," Tom interrupted in a complainey sort of way. "Come on, Neelix, it's Christmas. And I'm sure the Captain would agree. Replicator rations are. rationable during the holidays."  
  
"What about personal rations."  
  
Tom paused.  
  
"Fresh out."  
  
"If you knew all along you would need some for Christmas, why didn't you save them?"  
  
"Long story."  
  
"I've got time"  
  
"I'm hungry."  
  
"Story first."  
  
Tom narrowed his eyes. "Just... give me one of those queer little fruits you in that bowl at the bar. Then I'll tell you." Neelix gestured to the bowl, indicating Tom should get the fruits himself. After shooting a nasty look at the Talaxian, Tom did so, took a bite and leaned back in his chair. "Well... let's see. I guess it started... two days ago. Christmas Eve Eve....."  
  
*****  
  
So I'm really excited about Christmas. I've tried hyping the crew about it too, setting up Christmas lights on the bridge (only to be torn down quickly after by Captain Janeway so I moved them to just outside my quarters). The other day I dressed as Santa Claus and made a big entrance into the Mess Hall, all but scaring Naomi Wildman and those Borg kids out of their wits. Well, so nothing has worked very well. I'm bummed. What a lousy Christmas this will turn out to be.  
  
So I'm sitting in my quarters that night... yes, Christmas Eve Eve (that's the night before the night before Christmas), looking longingly at the fireplace I set up with a holoemmiter I "borrowed" from Engineering. Well, at least something is working out. I'm about to put the fire out and go to bed when there is a *photo-op!* at my door.  
  
"Come in," I say very unenthusiastically. The door slides open. It is Captain Janeway (dumb ole' Scrooge Grinch).  
  
"Oh, hey Captain," I say angrily, wanting her to know I'm still holding a grudge about the lights on the bridge. She looks uncomfortably at my fireplace.  
  
"Hello Tom."  
  
There is an awkward pause.  
  
"So..." I start, "you're in my quarters..."  
  
Another awkward pause. It's getting old. Janeway invites herself to sit in the other chair in front of the fire. "Well, Tom," she says, "It's Christmas Eve Eve. And I know you've been excited about Christmas. So... I've decided to hold a Christmas Eve Party tomorrow night."  
  
My face lights up. This is perfect, I mean, this is so cool! An actual Christmas Party! I mean... I stop, realizing I've actually been saying all of this aloud, letting on to my inner child. Janeway raises her hand.  
  
"Actually, I'm being forced to call it a 'December Festival'. You know those Bolians and Mr. Jarvis is a... what is he?"  
  
"Well, he was raised Amish, but..."  
  
"Anyway, I can't be liable for hurting anyone's feelings. The party will be held on Holodeck Two tomorrow at 1900 hours, we can't make it too late because of my... because of the children," I make a confused face but she continues, "I want you to write a program for a fun winter wonderland slash cozy indoor lodge. Lots of booze and finger food."  
  
"Cool, and I can be the DJ too?" (It's always been my dream to DJ a Christmas pa... uh, December Festival).  
  
"Uh..." she looks nervous, "I guess. We were just going to have the computer play random December songs, but..."  
  
"Gee, thanks, Captain..." I say, giving her a great big hug until... well, until I realize I just gave her a great big hug.  
  
Another awkward pause as we both clear our throats. awkwardly.  
  
"Well carry on then," she says, leaving my quarters. I wait until the door closes the whole way and jump into the air (in a wahoo-kind of way)  
  
The next day I get a waiver from my duties from Commander Chakotay and start on the program for the party that night. The day goes by in a whir as I program everything from the big log cabin to the beautiful "festival" tree to the frozen lake at the bottom of a hill (ideal for shovel sledding) to making every single snowflake that will fall a different shape. Ok, well maybe that's taking it a bit too far, but there's a whole five different snowflake shapes that I did manage to design. Finally, the big hour has come. *sigh* 1900 hours.  
  
I'm sitting cozily behind the DJ table in my brown corduroy pants and dark blue cotton sweater (I also programmed the computer to change everyone to the right "garb" as they walk in) and watching the happy faces pile in the big cabin (maximum capacity 200, just incase). So here come Harry and B'Elanna. The computer put Harry in one of those beanie caps and attached mittens to his bright red wool sweater. Crazy Harry, he didn't even know that's bad. Oh well. I wave them down.  
  
"Hey guys, aren't you excited? Voyager's first big Christmas... uh, December Festival. Those damn Bolians and their anti-Earth ways."  
  
"Actually, Tom," B'Elanna says, " It was my idea to make it a December Festival. After all, my Klingon heritage has shielded me from Christmas all of my life. I'd appreciate it if you don't rub it in." My eyes are big, surprised she is staying so calm. Must be the eggnog (heehee) (spiked).  
  
"Well then," I say, prepared to duck a punch nevertheless, "Hey B'Elanna, I like your sweater. Purple is defiantly your color."  
  
"Thanks. So, Tom... DJ. Pretty big commitment huh?"  
  
"Oh, not really... see, it's been my life long dream (I'm getting kind of tired of explaining that, I get the feeling people think I'm kind of a nerd). All I have to do is use this here jukebox and this keyboard. Its pretty easy, you just have to play music that make people happy."  
  
"Ooh, I'm going to go get a drink..." says Harry, who hasn't really been paying attention to anything but his little mittens and the booze table. He walks off leaving B'Elanna and I alone. In the crowd of people.  
  
"So, Tom," she says, "what song are you going to start off with?"  
  
"Oh, I was thinking about just a little Christmas... uh, December classic..." I flick a little switch and the music starts. It's Silent Night. B'Elanna looks around.  
  
"I've never heard this song before."  
  
"Oh... well, it's a um... like I said, you know, an old December classic" I decide to change the subject before things get weird. "Hey, B'Elanna, you want the moon? I'll lasso it out of the sky for you."  
  
"Um... ok. The moon from which planet?"  
  
Just then, Harry comes back with three drinks.  
  
"Hey, you know what?" He says, setting them down on my DJ table. (I move them away with a "not near the technical equipment, Harry" but he is right back with "we're on the holodeck, Tom" so I say "well what were you going to say?") "That pond out there looks ideal for shovel sledding. Hey Tom, think you could quit DJ for a bit. We should all go sledding."  
  
I look around. After all, this has always been my dream. But strangely, no one is dancing. It's such good music too. I nod at Harry and program about twenty more December songs to come on while we're gone. Yes, that should do. I scoot the mike in for a word.  
  
"Um... this next song before I leave is one for all you... couples out there... um..." (DJ business is harder than I thought) "Um... so... you guys... come on!... get out there and dance." I laugh awkwardly and B'Elanna and Harry pull me away.  
  
At the door there is a nice pair of boots and a wool knit cap that I programmed for myself incase I decided to go outside. Nice. Harry puts on his little mittens as we go out the door.  
  
Finally approaching the top of the hill, I find my friends to be pleasantly surprised with the three shovels leaning up against the tree. B'Elanna grabs one and goes to sit on it.  
  
"I'm going first."  
  
"Ok." She flies down the hill onto the frozen pond. Making sure she's out of the way, I get on to my own shovel.  
  
"Later Harry," I shove off. Man, that reminded me of being a kid. Except I never really did this as a kid. All I ever did on Christmas break was study. Stupid father. CRASH!! I get to the bottom with a huge smile on my face.  
  
"Wahoo! Come on, Harry, it's your turn," I shout up the hill. B'Elanna and I see that Harry is hesitating.  
  
"Oh come on, you sissy!" I yell at him. Hesitantly, Harry gets on his shovel and starts down the hill. In a sudden wave of preordination I realize I had taken the safeties off the holodeck so people could experience a little bit of holiday "cheer" with the booze I replicated. Its too late though, Harry goes too far on the lake and the ice cracks beneath him.  
  
"Harry!" B'Elanna and I yell simultaneously, running to the edge of the ice. I flatten out on my stomach to reach into the lake for Harry. He surfaces just for a second, gasping for breath, only to go under again. I make a quick decision and go into the water myself. Finally I'm able to grab Harry and with B'Elanna's help, drag him out of the icy cold water. We all get off of the ice as quick as possible.  
  
"What the hell, Tom!" Harry is yelling at me through shivers and spastic coughs. "You're not supposed to program the ice to crack! Are you retarded or something?"  
  
"Wh... what?" I realize everything around me has grown several notches quieter.  
  
"You're RETARDED, Tom." B'Elanna says. Why were they so mad at me?  
  
"Well... well, I just want to make it realistic," I say pathetically. "I... I'm sorry." Then a pause as we all get up to go back to the cabin. "Hey guys... I can't hear out of my left ear," I say in a bit of a panic. They don't listen. In fact, none of us talk until we reach the cabin.  
  
I open the door. All of us are dry and warm now, having instructed the computer to put some new clothes on us. But that damn ear. I still can't hear out of it. Maybe that's why the cabin sounded so quiet as we stood in the foyer.  
  
"Hey, there's nobody in here," Harry says, looking back in the main room. "They've all left."  
  
"What!?" I say, half disbelieving, half asking Harry what he had just said. I look into the room and realize it for myself. Everyone's gone.  
  
"Computer," B'Elanna says, "where is the rest of the crew?"  
  
"The crew is in Cargo Bay Two."  
  
"Hey, look at this," Harry is picking up a note from the kitchen counter.  
  
Dear Harry and B'Elanna, Don't tell Tom, but we've moved the party to Cargo Bay 2. His music is boring. Neelix is doing DJ and Seven set up her Borg stuff to be like a disco ball. Don't tell Tom.  
Captain "J"  
  
"Harry, I don't think you were supposed to read that out loud," B'Elanna says, looking at me sympathetically. "Sorry, Tom. We might as well go down to the cargo bay though."  
  
What a jerk that old grinch of a scrooge Captain Janeway is. Just ruin my whole Christmas. And my stupid ear. I have to fight to keep my lip from quivering.  
  
"Fine," I say, trying not to make my voice crack.  
  
We all set off to Cargo Bay Two.  
  
I enter the Cargo Bay to the royal hustle and bustle of a "real" December party. I shield my eyes as I see Janeway in a gogo cage as Chakotay stands nearby throwing some sort of green paper at her. Seven of Nine is in a mini skirt walking around with a tray of hard liquor and sitting on the laps of any crewman who calls her over. You, Neelix, you're standing behind a DJ table in pants, suspenders and a bow tie. Yes, no shirt. It's disgusting. Even Tuvok has gone all out. he's taking his shirt off up on a pile of bins. I feel my eyes begin to tear up.  
  
"Tom," I hear someone say from over my shoulder and turn around to see Chakotay with some bottle of pills or something (well, you know, he's been a little loco ever since the word came that all their Maquis friends were dead. He's been making these "Indian remedies" as a cure for the flu or something. Crazy Indians. For who? I don't know. I guess in his craziness state, it helps to do random, weird things to keep your mind occupied. All I know is... Indian remedies have their ways of. ya know, getting around to be a "little more" than a remedy. Well, don't tell him, but I've been sneaking peaks at the recipes. Cha... just a little more than remedies. Remember time the Doctor went crazy? You can bet he was taking some of this crazy drug. And look where he is now......... well... that is... anyway.....  
  
*sniff* "Yeah?"  
  
He grabs my collar.  
  
"B'Elanna said you've been reading my recipes."  
  
"What? Me? No. Why would I do that?"  
  
He looks at me for a little bit, not really loosening up on the collar at all. He smacks the left side of my head.  
  
"Ow! What the heck?"  
  
He smacks it again.  
  
"Chakotay stop it, that's my sore ear!"  
  
"You stay out of my recipes, you little snot!" (Remember, at this time Chakotay's had a little Christmas "cheer" as well) *smack* "Stay out!"  
  
"Chakotay stop it...! Ow..... Chakotay, I know about your friends who died, I know how you're going crazy now. But you gotta stop making the drugs. There's poison in those pills, poison, I tell you!"  
  
He pauses, takes a little lick, pauses again, looks slowly up at me, and almost as if this whole scenario were in a movie that I've seen before, I know there's a hug and a "Thank you George... I mean Tom" and a "Not my sore ear, Mr. Gower... I mean Chakotay" and "No... no..... thank you... thank you" coming so I duck out of the way before it comes. Crazy Indians. The music gets louder as I walk deeper into the Cargo Bay.  
  
Just then, Samantha Wildman walks up to me.  
  
"Tom, thank goodness you're here. Naomi isn't feeling so well. Do you think you could go and check up on her. I mean... if... well, I thought you wouldn't be coming to the party."  
  
"Yeah... sure, I'll go," I say. What a lousy December Eve. I leave the Cargo Bay and get in the turbo lift.  
  
"Deck four." I say as the turbolift whirs into action. That is, I think it does. I can feel the vibration of it anyway. Kind of. Stupid ear.  
  
When the turbolift finally reaches Deck Four and open up, I'm surprised to see those three Borg kids (minus Icheb, who I was pretty sure was throwing back a Samuel Adams in the Cargo Bay).  
  
"Tom!!" they shout, jumping at me and attacking me with hugs. (Ok, this was really weird).  
  
"Oh... hey, um... Mezoti. Hey Rebi"  
  
"I'm Azon!" Azon says.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Tom, Naomi is sick." Mezoti says. She climbs on to my back, apparently wanting a ride. Must be the eggnog.  
  
"I know, I'm going to check on her," I say and make my way to the Wildman quarters. The door slides open and I see Naomi lying on the couch reading a book.  
  
"Hey Naomi, I heard you were sick."  
  
"Yes, I have a cold."  
  
"Why don't you go to the Doctor?"  
  
"Well... um... because." She reaches over to the table next to the couch and pulls out a flower. "Look at my flower, Tom."  
  
"Oh yeah... that's nice," I say, taking it. A few petals fall off into my hand.  
  
"Tom!!" she says, taking her flower back. I hold the petals out for her but she pushes them back.  
  
"Paste them, Tom. Paste them."  
  
"Do what now?" This was getting weird. "How about I just go to airponics and get you a new flower?" I put the petals into my pocket (I didn't change out of my log cabin clothes). "Well, as long as you're ok... I'm going to go back to the party." I leave the Borg kids and Naomi by themselves and venture back to Cargo Bay Two.  
  
On the way back to the turbolift I see the Doctor coming down the hallway.  
  
"Oh hey, Doc," I say. "Checking up on Naomi?"  
  
"No, I was actually looking for you, Mr. Paris."  
  
"Could you speak up? I'm having a little trouble hearing."  
  
"I'M LOOKING FOR YOU."  
  
"Oh. What's up?"  
  
"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Paris."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS."  
  
"Oh. What?"  
  
"I'm afraid you won't be able to fly the ship anymore, Mr. Paris. Because of this new ear-impairment you are unfit to pilot Voyager. I'm sorry."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PILOT..."  
  
"I heard that!" I yell, then a bit calmer, "Why not? Can't you fix my ear?"  
  
"No, I'm sorry. Cold-water damage to the ear is the one thing my programmers forgot about. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do."  
  
I make this sad face like I would if the person I loved came and told me that they didn't love me and instead was going to stay with an evil duke. It's almost like a movie. almost. That's how I feel, anyway. Now deprived of everything (except a couple things) that means anything in my life. I walk away from the Doctor and go to the turbolift.  
  
"Deck... one. Bridge." Well, if I can't pilot anymore I might as well sit in my chair for as long as I can until I won't be able to anymore. Ah, hell, I think, I might as well steal it for my quarters while I'm at it.  
  
I get out of the turbolift on the bridge and walk slowly to my chair at the helm. It's been my chair through thick and thin. For six years. I love the old thing. I sit in it and lean back, looking at the helm controls in front of me. Good old helm controls. Who cares if they've blown up in my face a couple times, right? I lean forward to rest my head on the good old helm controls.  
  
"Ouch!" I say... what the heck? I had forgotten that big crack that I had been meaning to fix and slammed my face on it. I feel a small, warm trickle of blood go down my chin. Stupid bleeding mouth.  
  
Suddenly, I realize something. What a lousy day this has been! First my stupid ear going deaf saving Harry in the lake, everyone leaving my party, breaking Naomi's flower, the Doctor telling me I couldn't work at the job I loved anymore. I mean.. what's with everything being almost exactly like a movie? I stare blankly at the view screen in front of me.  
  
"I wish I'd never been born." I say.  
  
Tinkle, Tinkle, CRASH!! I hear something from inside Captain Janeway's ready room. Hear? That's weird... I get up to go see what the trouble is.  
  
I approach the door to the ready room and it opens with a hiss. I see the figure of a small man, but don't have time enough to recognize him because he throws a fresh cup of hot, black coffee into my face.  
  
"Ow! What the hell!?" I scream, bringing my hands up to my face.  
  
"Oh... sorry about that," I hear the little man say and then add "Little help?" I feel the coffee kind of melt off my face and the heat and pain disappear. I blink, trying to back into focus. Finally I can see the little man. He is in a long, tan trench coat with an old brown hat on top of his gray hair.  
  
"Who are you?" I say, wiping my face, making sure there is nothing there. Nothing, I mean, no coffee, no blood, no... no blood?  
  
"I'm Clarence, your guardian angel. I'm here to show you what life aboard Voyager would be like if you had never been born." I frown at him and then realize something. I slap my ear.  
  
"Say that again, bud?"  
  
"That's right, Tom. You can hear now. You haven't been born, so... you haven't lost your hearing."  
  
"Whatever old man," I say. I reach for my combadge to sound intruder alert, but it isn't there. For a moment I stare at the old man in disbelief but then remember I left my combadge in my quarters. I stifle a laugh and then frown at him again, reaching into my pocket.  
  
"They aren't there, Tom."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Naomi's petals."  
  
"Oh. Actually, my hands were just cold but... hey, you stole Naomi's petals! I was going to paste them for her!"  
  
"No, you just haven't been born. You never got them in the first place. Like I said, I'm here to show you what life would be like if you hadn't been born. Come with me, I'll show you..."  
  
"Um...ok," I say, not giving it a second thought. "Where are we going?"  
  
"We're staying right here for now, Tom." Says Clarence, leaning up against Tuvok's console. I raise my eyebrows.  
  
"Ok." I lean up next to him. There is an awkward silence (blasted awkward silences).  
  
Suddenly, the bridge is overcome with sound. Red alert has been triggered and before I know it, the whole senior staff and a few expendable crewmen have made their way up there. I straighten up to see what's going on.  
  
"We're being attacked!" Janeway yells, still in that horrible gogo outfit. Everyone has obviously had a little too much December cheer.  
  
"By who?" Chakotay asks.  
  
"I'm not sure, sir." An expendable crewman at Ops says. "We've never read these energy signatures before. Wait... I'm getting a visual."  
  
"On screen."  
  
When the picture comes up there is a short pause in every conversation as everyone on the bridges stares at the screen in confusion.  
  
"That looks like..." Chakotay begins.  
  
"Santa," the crewman finishes. Janeway rises out of her chair in that evil way she always does when she wants to kill something.  
  
"That's no Santa, Mr. Expendable," she says menacingly, "That's a Saintnichol'vuv. The evilest jolly man known to this galaxy."  
  
"Hmm?" The expendable crewman says. Suddenly the ship shakes violently as it is riddled with some sort of weapon.  
  
"I've heard ghost stories about Saintnichol'vuv," Chakotay says from his seat, "When I was an Indian child sitting around the Indian campfire with my Indian relatives. He is supposed to have the most maneuverable sleigh on this side of the Tall Rock."  
  
"If only," Janeway says, ignoring him, "we had an excellent pilot to maneuver us out of harm's way..."  
  
Uh, duh, I think to myself. I'm the best pilot on this side of Tall Rock. What's Janeway thinking? I shrug and walk toward my seat at the front of the Bridge.  
  
"No worries, Cap'um," I say, tapping the expendable crewman in my seat on the shoulder. "Good ole' Tom is here to save the day."  
  
She rises from her seat (again? but she already...) "Who the hell are you?" She says (evilly) (of course).  
  
I raise my eyebrows and look around a bit with a smug little grin on my face. "I'm Tom. Good ole' Tom. Here to save the day." At this remark, Chakotay stands up too.  
  
"My Indian senses, Captain..." he starts "are telling me that good old Saintnichol'vuv has left us a little present of our own."  
  
I shake my head at him. "Right, the gift of me, a great pilot. Strange how you never saw me under the tree before." I sit down at the helm controls (which no longer have the evil crack on them). "And... we're out- maneuvering Santa's sleigh. Strange, this was never in the job description."  
  
I feel a firm grip on my shoulder and look back to see that Tuvok's equally firm (in the sense that firm is scary) face. "Excuse me, sir. Please allow me to escort you to our brig. If you do not resist, there will be no need to use force."  
  
I open my mouth to say something, but that guy at ops interrupts me.  
  
"Saintnichol'vuv is still attacking. There's some sort of phaser-like weapon coming out of Rudolph's nose." As the crew considers this last statement (I'm pretty sure that old Rudolph song was going through most of their minds right then- what a way to ruin a childhood memory) the ship is rocked again by another blow.  
  
"Tuvok, get to tactical now," Janeway says, "We'll deal with him (enter the really evil Janeway voice here) later." I look back over my shoulder for a second as Tuvok hesitates and then makes his way back to tactical. With that bit of a brief glancing-back, I see Clarence is still leaning against the tactical station. I roll my eyes.  
  
"Captain, I believe we could take Santa... that is to say... Saintnichol'vuv out with our own phasers," Tuvok says after a momentary evaluate-the-console. "His 'jolly sleigh' does not have much to say for its shields."  
  
"Fire" comes the command.  
  
We all watch as our beloved Santa and his famous eight reindeer (well, you know what I mean, they look enough like them anyway) are vaporized into the black void of space.  
  
"Goodbye happy childhood," I mutter under my breath, then in a cheerier tone, as I turn around in my signature move to address the rest of the bridge. "But hey, we all knew we'd make it through, right? After all, this is Voyager, Starfleet's miracle ship. If anyone was to vaporize Santa, I guess it was right to have been us." Cue awkward pause.  
  
"Who are you?" Chakotay asks. "How did you know this ship used to be called Voyager? It hasn't been called that for years." I cock my eyebrow.  
  
"Hmm... K" my say, (in a slight variation of OK). "So this isn't Voyager? Amuse me. What is it called?"  
  
Janeway, who apparently had gone back to her seat during the final attack, rises... again.  
  
"Welcome aboard the USS Janewayville."  
  
Right. I feel the bile in my throat (well not really, but it sets the right kind of mood to think that actually did happen) and make a nasty face. "Eww. You're kidding, right?" I look around the bridge hopefully at everyone's very non-kidding faces. Rats.  
  
"Tuvok," Janeway says back over her shoulder, "it's time to give our... pilot a little present of his own. Take him to the brig." Tuvok comes down from his station to do so. He reaches to grab me by the shoulder, but before he can, I feel this weird sensation. Kind of like the transporter. Anyway, next thing I know, Clarence and I are standing in the messhall.  
  
"Nice trick," I say, kind of under my breath. I don't really know if he heard me or not so I'm about to open my mouth to say it again. But that's when you break in, Neelix.  
  
*****  
  
"I come in?" said Neelix, who by now was leaning rather far over the table, wrapped in the story. 'I was at the party the whole night, I don't remember seeing you and some old man in the messhall."  
  
"Well, it happened," Tom said, matter-of-factly stressing the last word. "Are you calling me a liar?" Neelix blinked and cast his eyes quickly to his left. Tom followed them, and saw Ensigns Mulkayhi and Baxter at the next table, who had also been listening just as intently. "What?"  
  
They shrugged. "What happened next?" Mulkayhi asked.  
  
"I'm thirsty," Tom said, ignoring him. "Um... in that way that can only be quenched by a big glass of chocolate milk... with a straw."  
  
No one said anything.  
  
"But, gee... I'm out of rations."  
  
"I thought that was what this story was about," Neelix said. You haven't told us why yet."  
  
"I'm getting there..." Tom said. "But I'm thirsty."  
  
Mulkayhi sighed, got up and went to the replicator. Tom smiled. Mulkayhi came back with a big glass of chocolate milk... with a straw.  
  
"Ah," Tom said, taking a drink "... now, where was I? Oh yeah. We're standing in the messhall. And Neelix breaks in....."  
  
. "Oh... oh, hello there." He says, coming toward Clarence and I. Then, addressing Clarence (probably because, well obviously he's never seen Clarence before) "Are you a visitor aboard Voyager? Can I help you?"  
  
"Yeah," I say, a wave of relief. "Yeah, oh thank God, Neelix. You don't recognize him either? Geez, up on the bridge, they must have had some hoax going on... something about how I was a visitor onboard or something."  
  
Neelix looks at me. "O.........k... then both of you are visitors? Well! You know, we just love to have visitors around here. Would you like something to eat?"  
  
"N...no. No, Neelix, it's me. Don't you remember me, Tom Paris?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid not. I'm sorry, have you been aboard before?"  
  
"Yes, yes, I live here. Just like you do. You called it Voyager, right? Right? A second ago on the bridge they were calling it the Janewayville. Which means... you're not in on it, right? Or you just forgot, gave yourself away?"  
  
"Oh... oh, dear me. I hope old Janeway doesn't hear about that little slip up. She'll have my job."  
  
"Neelix," I say, getting serious, I put my hand on his shoulder, "Neelix, come on, it's not funny anymore. Tom Paris. Me. Remember?"  
  
"Um, no." He changes the subject. "Mr.....Paris, correct? What room are you staying in?" I furrow my brow.  
  
"Mine. My quarters. My good old, same old quarters. Neelix, come on. We're old friends, remember? Remember the way we used to fight over Kes? Seriously, you remember that." I do my best Neelix impression voice. "'Tom became an uncle and I became a godmother!'"  
  
"Kes..." Neelix says in a very threatening tone. "How do you know about Kes?"  
  
"I know about because I knew her." I say. "She left the ship when she was four years old. You loved her... she broke up with you."  
  
'How dare you..." You know how Neelix gets scary when he's mad. Bearing those... teeth and all. So that's him right now. Before I get a chance to back away, he pops me a hard one in the left cheek and I can't help but lose my balance and fall to the ground. I'm about to get up to hit him back... out of habit..... when Clarence stops me.  
  
"He doesn't remember you, Tom, because you were never in any of his memories to begin with."  
  
"Just... lemme hit him back," I say, wiping my mouth, as usually getting hit causes it to bleed. No blood, of course, that would ruin the storyline. I mean..... I finally struggle to my feet, but Clarence still holds me back as another random crewmember holds Neelix back.  
  
"Get out of my messhall," Neelix says, stressing each word separately in order to sound more menacing. Ha... right. I struggle against Clarence one more time to get at Neelix, but for a brief second I have a pithy thought about the existential futility of it all. Whatever that means. But it's enough to get me going out of the messhall. Once I get out and turn a couple of corners, I turn to Clarence.  
  
"What the hell did you do to me? Why doesn't anyone remember me?"  
  
"I told you, Tom, you've never been born."  
  
"I know you told me that already! Just tell me what's really going on!"  
  
"You've never been..."  
  
"You know what? Never mind. Just... ugh! I'm going to my quarters. Maybe if I sleep on it, I'll wake up and all this will be over."  
  
Clarence sighs. "Whatever you say." I feel the funky transporter again and there Clarence and I are, standing in front of my quarters. I look at him with an eyebrow raised in annoyance. The moment is short lived, however, when Clarence flashes a dumb-old-guardian-angel smile. I go to walk into my quarters, expecting the doors to slide open like usual. Instead I walk face first into them...closed. (*photo-op!*)  
  
Letting out a short, irritated breath, I take a step back. "Computer, open doors."  
  
"Request denied. Room only open to Demi-courtier Opex."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Demi-courtier Opex, Brenari male."  
  
"What is he doing in my quarters?"  
  
"Please restate inquiry."  
  
"What... tell me more about him."  
  
"Demi-courtier Opex, Brenari male. Boarded three days ago, stardate 53261.4. Paid first rent to Captain Janeway today, stardate 532....."  
  
"Rent?! What's he paying rent for to use my quarters?"  
  
"Please restate inquiry."  
  
"Tom," Clarence says, stopping me before I pound my fist against the door. "It's no use."  
  
"What's he paying rent for?" I say, approaching mad-rage-mode.  
  
"You weren't here to stop her. Janeway has become an old miser, forcing everyone out of their quarters and renting out the rooms to passing aliens."  
  
I blink. What? Ok... "I wasn't here to stop her...? Um... ok. Where do I..." I decide to give in. for now, "Where does the rest of the crew live?"  
  
"They're all stuffed in Cargo Bay 2."  
  
"Just Cargo Bay 2? What about Cargo Bay 1? There's no way they're all going to fit in one cargo bay?"  
  
"Janeway uses it as an all gold swimming pool..."  
  
"Dumb ole scrooge-grinch. Ow..." I rub my mouth where Neelix hit me. "How about we make our way to Sickbay. Don't..." I hold up my hand in a... oh... disgustingly Janeway-like manner, "don't do any of that transporting. thingy. I'm not in the mood. Plus we need to walk around. Maybe we'll find someone who isn't in on the joke."  
  
So there Clarence and I are, walking through the halls. We pass a few crewman, you know, the ones that you don't know their names so you're always just like "oh... hey...you kid." Anyway. None of them really look at us. Maybe Clarence made us invisible. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. I step out of the turbolift with Clarence at my heels. Deck 5, right? Sickbay.  
  
We're making our way there. It kind of hits me- maybe the Doctor will remember me. He is, after all, just some photons and forcefields, no matter how we all kid ourselves by saying he's got just as many rights as us. Ha, right. Anyway, maybe what ever has "plagued" the rest of the crew wouldn't have any effect on him. All my hopes however, are squelched when I see him walk around the corner.  
  
The first thought that comes to my mind is Uncle Billy. Oh, you know, just in the pure sense that uh... the words Uncle Billy connote a very drunk and possibly deranged old man who's lost everything that's ever been important to him. No uh... no movie reference. Yeah. He's pretty... he's pretty smashed. Which is kind of weird, because after all, who ever knew that holograms could get drunk?  
  
"Doc?" I say dumbly, while the entire previous paragraph is going through my head. No time for awkward pauses now. The Doc... oh... he pauses... and looks me over. In that way drunken people do when they see something wicked cool like a butterfly. He looks really amused, anyway.  
  
"Whut'r youu, sum kinda butterflyyy?" He replies with that very slurred dialect only a very, very drunk man can have. Luckily I'm well versed.  
  
"Doc, no... it's me, Tom. I... there's... I mean... there's something wrong with the crew... and I wondered if you knew anything about it... and my jaw hurts."  
  
"It don't matter now... it's gone... all gone."  
  
I get this surprised look on my face. "Huh?"  
  
"It's gone."  
  
"What... what's gone?"  
  
"Sickbay."  
  
I laugh out loud, and then feel kind of sorry for doing so... after all, he is the Doctor and my friend. But it was still pretty funny. I look over his shoulder and point.  
  
"No it isn't. It's right there, I can see the doors from here."  
  
"Gone!" He snaps. I jump. "Gone!" (I don't jump as much).  
  
"Calm... calm down, Doc." I put my hands on his shoulders.  
  
"Don' touch me, ya... ya weirdo."  
  
"No, it's me, Tom."  
  
"Ya weirdo."  
  
"Look... Doc, why is Sickbay gone? How is it gone?" He pauses. Thinking. His face screws up so he looks like he just ate some of Neelix's (no offense) Leola root pudding.  
  
"Janeway." He basically spat it out, but I can still understand. She seems to be the trouble aboard this ship lately.  
  
"Janeway....." I urge him to continue.  
  
"She... double cross't me, that's what. I yah... I told her how much I liked... ya know... helping people out. 'Bout how I'd like to ya know. expand my program more. She took it as... let me expand my program and take over Sickbay herself. So here I am... expanded. All I can do any better is get drunk. Now she charges passing aliens to uh... ya know, use our stateuvthe art... stuff."  
  
"She..." I'm nearly horrified. After all, it was the Doc and I who had built that sickbay up to what it was today... or yesterday, anyway. "That old grinch!" My voice gets louder. "She couldn't run Sickbay if her life depended on...(!)"  
  
"Shh!" Doc interrupts and hushes me very loudly. "If she hears you call it that, she's gonna take away my drinks."  
  
"Aw hell... she changed the name of the sickbay too?"  
  
"Janeway Healing and Loan. I dunno why the loan part. Sure is catchy though."  
  
"Doc!" I slap him and in his stupor, he doesn't turn off the solidness of his holography. or whatever it is. Anyway, it's a hard slap, but he barely reacts. "Snap out of it! Can't you see what she's doing to you?"  
  
"I need a drink," he says, pushing past us without any closure. I look distressingly at Clarence. He puts his hand forward, motioning to the sickbay doors.  
  
"Shall we? That jaw of yours is getting pretty swollen."  
  
I frown, but follow Clarence's lead. He follows me actually. Again. Like a puppy. Who's a guardian angel. Or something. Kind of weird, but what can you do? We both approach Sick... uh, Janeway Healing and Loan and enter.  
  
Oh how quaint, I think as I enter. She's fiddled with the holographic emitters in there to make it all black and white. There's a desk in the middle of the main room with a bit-of-a-bank-like-cage used for paying and such. And people think I'm weird. There's nobody at the desk, so Clarence and I go on back to the medical beds to see what we can do.  
  
The first thing I'm sure to do is get a dermal regenerator and fix my swollen jaw. After all, I can't go around and expect people to recognize me looking like that. The little machine does it's magic, so only after a few seconds, I'm able to look around the new Healing and Loan.  
  
I didn't notice Chakotay when we first walked in, even though he was in plain sight, but now that I'm back in the midst of the beds, I realize he's the only one occupying one. Ha, looks like Janeway is making a whole heck of a great profit on this thing. Pretty sad if she has to send her own patients in in order to keep up any yield. But then again, why wouldn't she just send poisonous gas into some quarters being rented to some passing aliens? I can see her doing that. So why Chakotay, I wonder. Well, that would be.  
  
"You weren't there to stop him." Clarence says, sometime in the midst of my thoughts and it took me until then to realize it.  
  
"Hmm?" I look from Clarence to Chakotay, back to Clarence (quite obliviously) and again back to Chakotay. In the moment of realization, I merely click my tongue and furrow my brow a bit. "Oh... right. The Indian Remedies." Another quick glance to Clarence, I realize it's still my line and (again) look back at Chakotay. "I told you there were poison in those pills." I flash a smile to Clarence, who seems content enough and walks away. I wait until I'm sure he won't look back and I stick my tongue out of Chakotay. Heck, why not?  
  
Clarence, meanwhile, has been looking around the old Healing and Loan.  
  
"She didn't do a bad job with the holoemitters. It looks pretty real here." I don't say anything; I'm actually just kind of annoyed because no one has ever complimented my holo-work like that. My holo- work. Hey.....  
  
"Why don't we go to the holodeck? I mean, I programmed a lot of that stuff myself. If the people I programmed don't remember me, then no one will." I start out the door, but Clarence's voice stops me.  
  
"Tom... you were never her to program them in the first place."  
  
"Oh yeah... damn. Well, we could..."  
  
I'm cut off by the weird transport thing again and find myself in front of Holodeck 2.  
  
"Clarence, why are we here, then? You said..." I look to my right, then the left, and then just for the heck of it, I look behind me. He's not there. "Clarence?" I shrug. Maybe it's over. And for some reason I woke up from the dream in front of Holodeck 2. Seems plausible enough. Just to make sure, I pinch myself. Ow. I shrug again (it seems to be the most effective way of getting my emotions off right now, anyway) and check the console at the door of the holodeck. Huh... I never knew there was a "Cemetery Alpha" program. *shrug* Whatever. I decide to go in, just to see what it's all about.  
  
I take a step into the holodeck and at once I am overcome by the dark-eerie- and-cold-cemetery-ness of it all. Whoever programmed this one did a pretty good job. I hear a quiet murmuring voice over the ridge. It sounds a lot like somebody I know, so I go up the ridge and kind of hide myself behind the eerie tree there to covertly have a look at what's going on.  
  
The first thing I see is B'Elanna walking along the small beaten path to a small grave near the edge of the cemetery. B'Elanna... why didn't I think to go to her? She's sure to remember me. I take a step forward, but for some reason think better of it and keep my distance. For now anyway. Why is she here?  
  
She approaches the headstone, still muttering something to herself and puts a code into the small pad near the grave. A holographic image appears above it, that's all I can really make out due to the high fog that's taken over on the ridge. I can kind of make it out now, it's the figure of a man. A horrible thought crosses my mind. Was it me? Was "not being born" just symbolic for death? By now, I have subconsciously made my way off the ridge and am slowly approaching B'Elanna.  
  
I stop dead in my tracks when I realize who the figure actually is. Harry? But how... why is he dead? I open my mouth to call to B'Elanna over the increasing wind, but the holographic image of Harry beats me to it.  
  
"B'Elanna..." he says, looking down at her from his holographic suspension. "Well, I guess if you're hearing this, it means I died. Sorry about that. Knowing me, it was probably some heroic attempt to save some fellow crew members from a life-threatening situation. Uh, either that or I had to kill myself in order to escape from some aliens and you weren't able to revive me." B'Elanna lets out a very distressing and uncharacteristic sob. Harry continues. "Anyway. I have a message just for you. I wanted to thank you for befriending me so early on in our journey. If it weren't for you, I'd probably still be the same green ensign who stepped aboard that fateful day. I can only hope I returned that friendship in the same way. I guess I'll never know. Anyway. I hope you're happy, B'Elanna. Don't be sad because I'm gone. I can see you going very far in your life. Heck, if this ship ever gets back, I can even see you becoming Chief Engineer of all of Starfleet. You've sure got the brains. Well. there's not much more to say that I didn't when I was still alive. Keep up that fearless spirit. I have a feeling you'll need it soon." Holo-Harry winks with a smile and then flickers out. B'Elanna is weeping, nearly at her knees. I'm too shocked to go up to her just yet.  
  
"Why..." she says softly between sobs. "Why, Harry, didn't you have a more honorable death like you should have. Fate could have given you that much."  
  
"How did he die?" I ask under my breath, almost to myself. She keeps talking.  
  
"I mean... there had to be a reason those safeties were off in the holodeck. There had to be a real reason I couldn't hail the Doctor from the holodeck, none of that was a coincidence. It's..." she places her hand on the tombstone, "It's all my fault. I should have gone into the freezing cold water at the bottom of that lake after you broke through while we were shovel sledding, I should have..." My eyes widen. Was it true? Harry died from.  
  
"B'Elanna." I can't help approaching her and putting my hand on her shoulder. She jumps to a standing position and whips around to face me. That was that half-Klingon I know so well. I look sadly at her.  
  
"I- "  
  
"Who are you?" She asks defensively, all remnants from the tears she shed are gone.  
  
"I... It's me, Tom. Why..." I let out a stressed breath. "Oh God, don't tell me you don't know who I am either... B'Elanna... it's me, Tom." I try to put my hand on her shoulder again, only to have her back off quickly.  
  
"Don't touch me. Look, I don't know who you are, or what you're doing here, but..."  
  
"B'Elanna!" I say, on the verge of my own worried tears. I keep approaching her. "B'Elanna, I'm sick of this joke, I'm sick of it. I've learned my lesson, you guys can give it up now..."  
  
"Stay away from me!" she screams "If you take one step closer I'll kill you!"  
  
"N..." I pause, deciding it would be best to abide by her rules. She would, after all, kill me if she said she would. I have to catch myself before my voice cracks. "Let me. let me tell you who I am then." I say pleadingly. She stops too, glaring at me fiercely, but at least willing to listen.  
  
"I... I'm Tom Paris, I'm the Chief Helm Officer aboard Voy... aboard whatever the hell this ship is called. I'm your... friend. You... B'Elanna. Chief Engineer. Why... after all we've been through together, why can't you remember me?"  
  
She looks me over, shaking her head. "Sorry, you've got the wrong girl. I'm no Chief Engineer." She stifles a laugh. "Right, like Janeway would allow an ex-Maquis half-Klingon to be her Chief Engineer."  
  
"You're not the Chief Engineer? Then..."  
  
"I'm a librarian, happy? That's right, I hand out books to the aliens renting our quarters. With everything I know and all the times I've saved the ship before, that's my job. Now, if you don't mind, I'm about to save the ship again. From you. You're lucky the communications system is down, or I'd already have security here." With that, she turns and runs over the ridge.  
  
"B'Elanna...!" I call after her, but to no avail. In a shock, I step back to a nearby rock and sit down to think. B'Elanna was a librarian? Who did Janeway think she was? But... no, there's no time to think about that right now. What was going on? What was wrong with the crew? Where was Clarence? He was the only one who seemed to know what was going on. I shake my head, bringing my eyes up from the ground. They fall on Harry's grave.  
  
I stand up slowly and approach it. Ensign Harry Kim, beloved son and friend to all. Yeah, that was Harry. I fight back tears before cocking my head when something catches my eye. The pad B'Elanna had typed her code into. I bend down to have a closer look. And old-fashioned Qwerty keyboard with the words "type in your name, press 'enter' and hear your message from Ensign Kim (signed) Captain Janeway". That's weird, I think. Maybe the old scrooge had a little bit of good left in her. Hey... what have I got to lose? I begin type my name.  
  
T-o-m (space) P-a-r-i-s  
  
*enter*  
  
I look up above the tombstone and wait. Nothing happens.  
  
Wiping the impending tear from my eye, I type it in again.  
  
T-o-m (space) P-a-r-i-s  
  
*enter*  
  
Nothing.  
  
T-o-m (space) P-a-r-i-s  
  
*enter*  
  
*enter*  
  
*enter* *enter* *enter* *enter*  
  
I fall back to sit on the dirt in front of Harry's grave. This is too much, too much. I start to cry, but very soon am interrupted by flashing red lights. They've gone to red alert.  
  
"Intruder Alert," the computer says, repeating itself again and again. They're after me.  
  
I get up, not really sure what to do, but I am sure security will be there soon, as the holodeck was the last place I was seen. I've gotta get out of there.  
  
I exit the holodeck, look right and left, trying to make the best decision. It comes to me that maybe if I go back to the bridge, I'll be able to find Clarence and he might be able to put an end to all of this. I begin to run for the turbolift, trying to catch my breath between suppressed sobs.  
  
I get to the turbolift door, hitting the manual switch for it to come to me. I look around me apprehensively, not sure what really will happen to me if Janeway's security teams get to me before I can get to Clarence.  
  
"Come on, come on." I wonder for a brief second why the lift never comes quickly when I actually need it too. I can hear footsteps of security guards getting closer and closer. I'm about to give up the idea of the turbolift and make a run for it in the opposite direction when the doors open. I step inside just as the security guards, headed by Tuvok, round the corner.  
  
"There he is!" one of them yells and a phaser beam enters the turbolift just by my left ear. Just as Tuvok approaches the doors, they close.  
  
"Deck one!" I say quickly, hoping I can get the lift moving before Tuvok can override it and open the doors. It whirrs to life and I lean back against the wall, trying to catch my breath. There is so much to think about, so much going through my mind, that I barely notice when the doors open to an empty bridge. I run to my chair at the helm and collapse in it, resting my head in my hands on the console.  
  
The exhaustion and anxiety that has plagued my throughout the night catches up to me quicker than my breath does. As I speak, I can't help the crack and obvious distress in my voice.  
  
"Clarence?" I say, talking to no one or nothing unparticular. There's got to be a way to get him back. "Clarence? Can you hear me? I wanna live again." To myself. "I wanna live again."  
  
I hardly recognize the sound of the turbolift doors opening, and I scarcely comprehend the voice. "Mr. Paris."  
  
"I wanna live again," I whisper.  
  
"Mr. Paris, please come with me." Tuvok has finally caught up with me. I refuse to face him, my cheeks are so stained with wet tears.  
  
"Leave me alone, Tuvok."  
  
"Lieutenant, your friends have been looking for you, they were concerned when you did not return to the party."  
  
I pause, shaking my head, then... wait... what? I turn to face Tuvok. "What did you call me?"  
  
Tuvok raises an eyebrow. "Lieutenant Paris."  
  
I break out into a grin, then a loud laugh. "Lieutenant Paris..... Lieutenant Paris? You know who I am?"  
  
He stares at me, looking as confused as a Vulcan can look, "Yes." He replies simply. I laugh again.  
  
"Mr. Paris, are you aware that your mouth is bleeding?"  
  
"My..." I feel my lip, it is swollen. I take my hand away to see a fresh red stain. I let out a hoot. "My mouth's bleedin', Tuvok. My mouth's bleedin'!" I run up to where he is standing and clap him on the shoulder, smiling even greater still. "Where's B'Elanna?"  
  
Tuvok just stands there awkwardly. "She is somewhere in the ship, looking for you, I believe."  
  
"Thanks Tuvok, thanks!" I go to enter the turbolift, pause and turn back. "Merry Christmas, Tuvok!" I don't wait for his reply and go into the lift.  
  
"Computer..." I start, but then realize I don't know where I'm going to go to find B'Elanna. Deciding that it would be best just to go back to the party, I finish with a "Deck 4, Cargo Bay 2. And computer, one more thing... Merry Christmas!"  
  
"Please restate inquiry."  
  
I smile. Well golly, it ain't such a bad life after all. In fact, you might call it a wonderf... ooh... copyright cops might be listening. Let's just go with... magnificent. Yup, it's a magnificent life!  
  
The turbolift stops at deck 2 instead of deck 4. All the better. Someone else to tell Merry Christmas to! The doors open and B'Elanna is standing there. Her face lights up when she sees me.  
  
"Tom! Where were you? We were all worried once we realized you hadn't been there for a while..." She sees the look on my face. "Are you ok?"  
  
"Never been better," I say with a smile. "Merry Christmas, B'Elanna!"  
  
"Merry Christmas, Tom!"  
  
*****  
  
"Well, that was pretty cheesy," interrupted an irritating smoker voice. Tom looked up to see Captain Janeway standing at the front of the large crowd he had gathered.  
  
"What was?" Tom didn't mind brushing the line of insubordination with his sarcastic tone.  
  
'That part at the end. It was cheesy."  
  
"That's what really happened. It was a happy moment, it wasn't cheesy." Janeway didn't bother to answer when she saw Sandrine emerging from the bar with a fresh pot of coffee.  
  
"Well what happened next?" Mulkayhi asked suggestively.  
  
"Whad'dyou mean what happened next, that's the end of the story."  
  
"So nothing... ya know..." (wink wink nudge nudge) "happened?"  
  
"We went back to the party and I said I'd meet her for lunch today... you... ooh! Come on, it was Christmas Eve." Mulkayhi shrugged. "Santa's watching, idiot."  
  
"Uhh..." Neelix leaned forward a little in his seat. "When was the part that you lost your replicator rations? I thought that's what this whole story was about."  
  
"At the beginning... the party I made. I had to spend all of my own rations to make it perfect."  
  
"And some party it turned out to be..." a guy in the back snickered sarcastically.  
  
"Shut up, you kid." Tom said.  
  
"Well... why the rest of the story?" Neelix asked, confused.  
  
"Be..." Tom growled quietly. "Because it was a good story. I had this cool, life changing experience last night and I just thought I'd tell it to someone because maybe it could make you all realize the true gift of Christmas too."  
  
Neelix furrowed his brow. "I... don't get it."  
  
"Don't get what?"  
  
Chakotay, who was sitting next to Neelix laughed a little. "Tom, are you trying to tell us that all of that really happened?"  
  
"Yes, it really happened. It wasn't a dream."  
  
"Well, uh..." Chakotay smiled, looking around at the rest of the crowd who barely tried to stifle their laughter. "I'm not poisoned, Tom. I'm fine. This is Voyager, not the Janewayville."  
  
"I heard that..." Janeway said in a 'jokingly' evil tone from the bar. Everyone except Tom laughed.  
  
'Fine, believe what you want." Tom said, putting his hands in his pockets. Whoa, he thought, I never changed out of my cabin clothes. He felt something... what was that.... Naomi's petals.  
  
Just then, Naomi, Mezoti, Rebi and Azon ran in to Sandrine's in their pajamas. Naomi led the group to the table where Tom, Neelix and Chakotay sat.  
  
"Merry Christmas!"  
  
"Oh, hey Naomi," Tom said, fingering the petals in his pocket. "Feeling better?"  
  
"Yes, I went to the Doctor finally. How is your Christmas so far?"  
  
"Well, to tell you the truth, pretty lousy. See, I don't have any rations left because I spent them all on making the December Festival last night. I don't have any left for my traditional Christmas breakfast."  
  
"Oh. Well, you can have some of mine if it means that much. I saw an old man with a hat in the corridor who told me you deserved them. He also said you had my petals still. I'd like to have them back, please." Tom looked at Chakotay and Neelix as he pulled the petals out of his pocket to hand to Naomi.  
  
"Naomi, you said you saw an old man with a hat in the corridor? Did he say what his name was?"  
  
"Clifford."  
  
"Clarence." Mezoti, Rebi and Azon corrected all at the same time.  
  
Tom smiled and turned triumphantly to Chakotay and Neelix. Chakotay let out a resigning sigh.  
  
"Fine, you can have some of mine to. Merry Christmas."  
  
"Thanks Chakotay, you too." Tom said, smiling. Mulkayhi walked up with a sheepish half-smile on his face. He paused, looking at Tom and then grinned.  
  
"I knew it was true all along. Have some of my rations too. Merry Christmas."  
  
"Merry Christmas, Mulkayhi." Tom said with an accepting handshake.  
  
It continued on like this, all those who finally realized the validity of Tom's story started to give him rations, until he believed they had enough for a traditional Christmas breakfast for all of them. A cheer came over the crowd all of a sudden when the door opened and Harry and B'Elanna walked in.  
  
"Harry!" Tom said, getting up to share a friendly embrace with his good friend. "I'm so glad you aren't dead..."  
  
"What?" Harry asked.  
  
Tom laughed. "Oh, you have no idea what I've been through. We're about to have a big traditional Christmas breakfast. It's kind of late but, hey. Christmas breakfast is Christmas breakfast."  
  
Everyone shared a good healthy laugh. "Let's get some music going!" Janeway said over the clamor. The Doctor sat down at the piano and began to play while Seven sang.  
  
"Let old acquaintance be forgot..." everyone joined in.  
  
...and never brought to mind! Let old acquaintance be forgot in days of Auld Lang."  
  
Everyone was cut short when the entire bar was illuminated by an enormous flash. The room was quiet.  
  
"My mom says," Naomi broke the silence, "that whenever a flash like that happens, it has something to do with Q."  
  
Everybody laughed, but Tom held up his hand, promoting the previous silence. "Hey wait.... Q. Of course! It was Q! That explains everything."  
  
'Well, it always does if we can't think of a better ending," B'Elanna said. Everyone laughed again.  
  
"Hold on," Tom silenced everyone again. "I'm serious. It explains for all the discrepancies. Why none of you remember any of it happening, but at the same time it being so real for me. And like... why would Harry have fallen through the ice if I had never programmed it in the first place? Why would the captain name the ship Janewayville if I wasn't here? Why would my not being born make B'Elanna a librarian?"  
  
This provoked another, longer laugh from the crew, including a confused "What?" from B'Elanna.  
  
"More music!" Janeway said, raising a glass of eggnog. The Doctor started the piano entrance to an old December classic. The crew waited to eat as Tom gave them one last comment.  
  
"Oh, what a hoax!" He said, laughing along with everyone else. "The greatest thing is, Q didn't even realize that none of us would even be here in the Delta Quadrant if it weren't for me. In fact, if I had never been born, all of you would be at home right now, having a traditional Christmas breakfast with your families. Everyone laughed again, but everyone quickly overcome by that silence according to scientific fact assaults a crowd every seven minutes. Everyone except Seven, who began the next December classic.  
  
"I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me.."  
  
A few blokes in the crowd coughed uneasily as the rest of them glared at Tom and took the traditional Christmas breakfast that had just been replicated off of his table. Tom laughed... awkwardly.  
  
"Merry Christmas..." :) 


End file.
